A Revelation Today

This is gonna get a little deep. Grab a coffee and a blankey and get comfortable.

I mentioned back in my post about the evils of social media that I had a little anxiety when I left my day job. I'm not sure exactly when that subsided, but it did. In fact, I had a glorious few months.

Now it's December, and the shit has somewhat hit the fan. To be fair, I feel like this isn't really my "fault" because I have one client I've done over $3,000 of work for that hasn't paid me in a timely fashion. It became overdue, like, today. Fuckers. If I had that in my bank account right now, I'd probably be a little more comfortable. (Yes, I have sent them a pointed e-mail telling them my contract says they have 28 days to pay me and it's now 30, and I therefore expect a check this week. Fuckers.) Regardless, I noticed I am back to that initial May level of anxiety about things, which to me tells me I over-extended myself slightly.

Again, not my fault. I had some unexpected things happen, like "needing" to buy my partner out of two houses. Also, my accountant told me I had to take a large paycheck from my S-corp to balance out my distributions for 2018. I thought I had balanced those out better, but in retrospect, there were a few things I didn't know to count as distributions since I was new to all that. I can technically afford these things, but apparently I hit that level again that to me tells me I need to back off, keep a little more in the bank, we all have that.

I was out with some friends today though, and they mentioned how much they admired another friend for being the sole breadwinner for his family. I don't disagree with them, that is admirable. But I mentioned I was also a sole breadwinner, and they were all like, "Yeah, but you don't have two kids." And then I was all like, "I also don't have a spouse who COULD get a job if he or she had to." Then they asked where my mom was and I explained she was across the country, had a business of her own, and I was sure that she wouldn't help me with a whole lot of things. Then they got concerned and asked me what would happen if I got sick. I had to tell them that I'd be dealing with it for 89 days as best I could, then if it was still going on at day 90, I could get my LTD insurance fired up. In the meantime....uh, ingenuity? Layla doesn't have thumbs or speak English (although her comprehension is immaculate), so I've just got to figure shit out.

That's when I realized why I was having so much (relatively much) anxiety. For me, anxiety doesn't typically exist. I'm not proud of it, but I think I inherited a smidge of psychopathy from a certain someone in my family. That's why I can and have worked in jails and prisons and psych hospitals my whole life, and I'm a landlord in the ghetto. Not a lot scares me. I'm not a sensation seeker in the typical sense, but I definitely have a high sensation threshold in some ways. But now, with my grandmother gone, I am very, very alone. That's where the anxiety is coming from. I don't have her to do little things to let me know it's going to be okay, like back when I was in grad school and she would send me a Halloween card with $20 in it because she knew I was broke.

I didn't want to pull back from my commitments, I still don't want to pull back from my commitments. I'm always trying to grown and invest and keep the money moving. But I just have to admit that since I truly am flying without a net at this point, I may have to. I'm taking the middle road at the moment, letting the key people know it's probably not going to happen unless I can turn things around in the next month, and I have gotten off my ass and thrown some Hail Marys to make that shit happen.

That looks easy enough.

I viewed this all as a smack in the face to remind me I'm not FI yet, and that is true, and a good reminder, but I was also relieved to figure out why my brain was spin-cycling the way it has been the past few days.

Anyone else flying without a net at this point in their life? How do you handle the gaping maw of the existential anxiety that creates?


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