The Great Coffee Fiasco

I sincerely wish I had never started drinking coffee. I basically didn't in college. For some reason, the smell always made me nauseated. I think this was probably because it was always blended with the smell of the cigarettes my family members smoked, which was more than enough to put me off of both. Then, after a few years away from them, in grad school, where it was the thing to do, I picked up the habit.

This has been problematic. Y'all have heard of the latte effect, right? Bloggers all over the world make a big deal out of the price of a cup of coffee, or a HUGE deal out of the price of a frou-frou coffee drink, and the most cited example of financial waste in the entire universe is the cost of buying a cup of coffee from a coffee place rather than making it at home and bringing your own on a daily basis.

Well, I have news for you. My coffee sucks. Theirs is better.

I have no idea why this is. I assume there is some special barista-knowledge that I don't have. I have tried two coffee pots. I have cleaned them with various products. I have used filtered water. I have tried different beans. I have ground the beans in my Blend-Tec. I even bought a cold-brew-pitcher-thingy. I can't seem to do it.

The closest I have ever gotten is using Starbucks Via coffee packets. My brewed coffee usually tastes bitter. I have used Keurigs at work before. That actually seems to be better for some reason than what I can do, but again, I have no idea why. Why is the more expensive it is the better it tastes?!?!?

Recently in my quest for at least cost effective coffee (if I can't do it as well, I may as well do it super-cheap!) I tried a different brand. No big deal, I've tried a bunch. This brand, which shall remain nameless, smelled like burning peanuts while it was brewing. Bad sign. It tasted so bad I drank one cup, drained the rest out of the pot, WASHED the pot, then threw out the whole canister of that shit. Ugh. Then I ended up at Starbucks because I had no coffee at home. So instead of saving like $5, I wasted about $10.

I am to the point where I am considering giving it up entirely. Either these places which sell brewed coffee or pre-made-dispenser-cup systems are adding crack (a la the red sauce in Margaret Atwood's Secret Burgers - obscure reference, sorry) or I'm just not doing something right. If I can't get it right, it's honestly not worth drinking.

WTF am I missing here, people? I buy good coffee, I clean my machine, and a sprinkle a little salt on the grounds to enhance the flavor. Please, enlighten me, or I've just got to cut this shit out. Thanks!


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